How to primp for a colonoscopy:

You know you've been blogging too long when the primary way you cope with stress is to turn it into a joke and post it on the internet. Especially if it has to do with poop.

There are few things that I think are less sexy than a colonoscopy - and one of the main ones is what you have to do to prepare for said procedure. For those of you who don't know how to prep for a colonoscopy, here's a quick summary:

The day before the procedure (in my case, TODAY), have a normal breakfast at 8 AM. Then subsist on a liquid (and jello) diet the rest of the day. At noon, take some poop-inducing tablets. At 4, begin drinking 2 liters of nasty salty solution that is supposed to wash out your colon - do this at a rate of 8 oz every ten minutes. Poop your brains out. Special note - drinking that much gross stuff that quickly will make you barfy and bloaty. As if you needed to feel worse.

Needless today, I've been a little anxious these last few days in anticipation not of the procedure itself (since they knock you out), but of the drinking game you play with the nasty salty solution. The pooping my brains out part I'm kind of used to, but to do so all day is exhausting and eventually gets kind of painful in a number of places, so I've been prepping in various ways to make myself feel better. I came to the conclusion that since this will be a very unsexy day for me, I need to start at the top of the sexy scale and that way, I will not be completely disgusted at the end of the day. So here's the primp plan:

1. The week before, by some very sexy shoes, and wear them as often as possible that week to pump yourself up. Mine came in the form of patent leather spiky heels. I wore them to work.
2. Morning of prep day - take a shower. I normally shower after I put Blu and Scarlet to bed at night because it's kind of hectic here in the mornings, but today is special.
3. Put on your makeup (if you do that), that way when you look in the mirror after your ordeal, you won't look as bad as you feel.
4. Get dressed in comfy but not special clothing - you may very well end up laying on the bathroom floor for a while.
5. Gather materials:



Yes, I have every intention of checking my email and sending text messages from the toilet.

6. Don't forget your knitting:



I'm working on the collar of this now...it is complicated and labor-intensive and I'm hoping just distracting enough that I won't notice the waterfall coming out of my ass.

7. Dine on a fine lunch of chicken broth and lime jello. OK, I skipped the chicken broth. In fact, instead of the chicken broth I went out and bought some orange jello as well. I forgot that jello is yummy. I could eat it all day! In fact, I think I will.

8. Take your tablets.

9. Write a blog post while you wait to poop.